Church Membership

So... from the title of this post, one might assume that I will have a diatribe about the importance of belonging to a local body of beleivers. And I do think that is true. But really, this post is a confession. I've been attending a church off and on for over half a year now, and I have still not joined and become a part of the congregation.

It's not that I don't really like the church, I do. I think it's a very nice worship service, and that the leaders strive to make it all Christ-centered. I enjoy the music, I love taking communion together each week, the teaching is great. And I like the outreach strategy of the church, to use small groups in each neighborhood around the triad to reach out to their neighbors to bring them to know Christ.

No... I appreciate my church. And I would be one of the first people to spout off the importance of being a member of a church. But, right now at least, that would be entirely hypocritical to come out of my mouth.

One might wonder, well, Stace, if you know the importance of being a member of a church, why aren't you? I've had various excuses for my spotty attendance, and vacilated between my old church and new church. But, when the real reason I've dragged my feet about this issue arises, it haunts me.

Truth be told, I do not want to be known.

That is, I do not want to be known by new people.

Everyone wants to be known.

But honestly, I'm pretty embarrassed and humbled about where I am in life. Especially about my job, and lack of career direction.

Think about it, when you meet someone new, what's the first thing that comes out of their mouth? "Hi, I'm so and so, nice to meet you! So, what do you do?" And then, that person proceeds to size you up according to your answer, whether they are trying to or not, a certain judgement is passed.

I already struggle with feeling like a failure within the confines of my head. How much of myself do I really want to let new people see or know. Truthfully, not very much.

My church is so small though, it seems inevitiable that I will meet people...

I know you may be thinking, well, you are idolizing what other people think of you. And... that's part of the truth.

But, I'm not ready yet, to commit... I'm not ready to be known. I feel ashamed at my life the past few years, and my life now. I would be more comfortable going to a worship service that is so huge that if you don't plug in, you'll be left alone. I don't want to mingle after the worship service with new people who don't really know me. I'm part of a small group, that's about all the people I can take knowing my business, even there I wish it was less known.

Anyhow, so that was my church confession. I suppose a goal of mine within the next bit of the year will be... actually joining the church. Actually becoming a covenant partner. I'll let you know how it goes.