Church Membership

So... from the title of this post, one might assume that I will have a diatribe about the importance of belonging to a local body of beleivers. And I do think that is true. But really, this post is a confession. I've been attending a church off and on for over half a year now, and I have still not joined and become a part of the congregation.

It's not that I don't really like the church, I do. I think it's a very nice worship service, and that the leaders strive to make it all Christ-centered. I enjoy the music, I love taking communion together each week, the teaching is great. And I like the outreach strategy of the church, to use small groups in each neighborhood around the triad to reach out to their neighbors to bring them to know Christ.

No... I appreciate my church. And I would be one of the first people to spout off the importance of being a member of a church. But, right now at least, that would be entirely hypocritical to come out of my mouth.

One might wonder, well, Stace, if you know the importance of being a member of a church, why aren't you? I've had various excuses for my spotty attendance, and vacilated between my old church and new church. But, when the real reason I've dragged my feet about this issue arises, it haunts me.

Truth be told, I do not want to be known.

That is, I do not want to be known by new people.

Everyone wants to be known.

But honestly, I'm pretty embarrassed and humbled about where I am in life. Especially about my job, and lack of career direction.

Think about it, when you meet someone new, what's the first thing that comes out of their mouth? "Hi, I'm so and so, nice to meet you! So, what do you do?" And then, that person proceeds to size you up according to your answer, whether they are trying to or not, a certain judgement is passed.

I already struggle with feeling like a failure within the confines of my head. How much of myself do I really want to let new people see or know. Truthfully, not very much.

My church is so small though, it seems inevitiable that I will meet people...

I know you may be thinking, well, you are idolizing what other people think of you. And... that's part of the truth.

But, I'm not ready yet, to commit... I'm not ready to be known. I feel ashamed at my life the past few years, and my life now. I would be more comfortable going to a worship service that is so huge that if you don't plug in, you'll be left alone. I don't want to mingle after the worship service with new people who don't really know me. I'm part of a small group, that's about all the people I can take knowing my business, even there I wish it was less known.

Anyhow, so that was my church confession. I suppose a goal of mine within the next bit of the year will be... actually joining the church. Actually becoming a covenant partner. I'll let you know how it goes.

Kissy Lane

This past Thursday my mom and I did one of the saddest things I've ever had to do in life... we brought our beloved dog Kissy to be put to sleep. Kissy was the queen of the house. She was spoiled and pampered as many dogs are. I loved her so much. I am going to miss her. When I walk into the house... there is this strange stillness. I know I'm not going to be finding Kissy to play with her, and she will not be jumping down to greet me at the door. I won't be able to pet her, hold her... I won't be going on walks with her anymore. I remember one time, I thought it would be a great idea for Kissy to come jog the neighborhood with me! What a terrible idea for a miniature poodle who has not built any long distance stamina! She couldn't jump on the couch for 3 days she was so sore!
So that is that. I don't like not having a pet. It's lonelier. (Yes, I wrote lonelier instead of more lonely.) I'm sure in the future I will have another dog to share life with.
But no dog can replace Kissy, and the memories she has in my heart.

As my wise friend Sarah Pruitt texted to encourage me, one day we will live in a world where death no longer exists! And I think that is hard for me to wrap my mind around. Life without death... the way it was intended... before the fall of mankind into sin...

So even the loss of a dear dog points me to Christ, who conquered the grave through his triumphant resurrection, and reminds me to pray for the Lord to return soon.


Yes, I miss Kissy. I loved her so much. She was one of God's many blessings in my life.

"every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17

Christmas and Glee???

So... I really enjoy watching the show Glee. Even though it's morality is beyond sketch and in some ways seems to have an intense gay/lesbian rights agenda throughout the plot... I laugh at it. But, I do feel torn watching it. Sort of. Maybe I feel torn that I should feel worse and just stop watching it. But, for now, I'm committed.


But last night as I watched the Christmas Glee episode, I was confused and surprised when at the end of the show, one of the kids reads part of the Christmas story as the reason for their celebrating together. No, not the Christmas story with Santa visiting - the Christmas story where angels announce the birth of Christ to sheperds watching their flocks by night. Part of the actual story of Christmas, and the reason we all celebrate the King of Kings.


The thing about Glee is, that show has certainly mocked Christianity before. There was the grilled Cheesus show, that I missed but heard was somewhat blasphemous. There was Quinn, who on the outside was this goody Christian girl, president of the Chastity club, who actually is really mean, and is very hypocritical... she gets pregnant, way to support chastity!!! There hasn't been too much positive attention given to Jesus on the show. Possibly because the Bible does not support homosexuality, or because the Bible says we are all sinners that need a savior, not good people that bad things happen to... but, all that to say, you can imagine my surprise while watching the show!!! Why this section of the Christmas story from the Bible? What does this announcement mean? What are the directors of Glee wanting this announcement of the Savior to mean?

Maybe we want to pick and choose which parts of the Gospel apply or speak truth to us. Maybe the innocence and humility of the Christ being born in a manger, and the announcement being given to the lowly shepherds, rings true in our hearts. The Savior has been born! We can all celebrate!!!

I think then the breakdown comes over what we as humans need salvation from. That is where the Gospel offends, because it calls all of us sinners, condemned, unclean. Liars, murderers, adulterers, idolaters, evil, impure, wicked. Any negative word you can think of, the Gospel rightly says, We are perpetrators.

That truth is hard to embrace. But we must see the depths of our sin, and realize our total failing before a perfect King, to recognize our desperate need for a Savior.

Jesus Christ entered the world. He came in humility, but lived a perfect life. Then, at the right time, he died the most gruesome death, on our behalf. But then, 3 days later, there was a triuphant resurrection, and Christ's power over sin and death was claimed!

This is a message you probably will not see spelled out on Glee. But, I pray that the Bible story they did read may have picked the curiosity of some watchers, and hopefully they decided to not stop reading there.

Surrogates

Last year, I watched this very strange movie with some friends called "Surrogates". While Derek tried to fool me into thinking it was a documentary following surrogate moms and their children, the actual movie had nothing to do with parenthood.
Checking the Merriam Webster website, my personal favorite internet dictionary site, surrogate is to put in the place of another. It is to appoint as successor, deputy, or substitue for one's self.
The movie Surrogates is a futuristic sci-fi thriller, in which most of the worldwide population had decided to live their live's through computer programs that allowed them to operate surrogate bodys. While actual people lived in their apartments or houses, the fear of the outside world bringing hurt or pain or death, kept them inside, and the preference of living in the most perfect machine body in your price range enveloped mainstream society.
So, I'm not going to spoil the movie here, don't worry if you haven't seen it. Truthfully, I don't really remember the plot and end of the movie. I only remember what bothered me... the thought that we might be headed in that direction in society for real. That scares me.
First of all, I don't think surrogates would encourage real community. The point of the surrogate is that you could create the perfect you. Such as- if in real life you had really bad acne, your surrogate would have smooth, flawless skin. In real life you might weigh 400 pounds, your surrogate would be the most awesome size 0 completely chiseled and toned body. In real life you may be a girl, but your surrogate may be a man. Through the reigning techology you could literally create the perfect life substitute. There is something inherently fake about having a surrogate, like you are trying to hide the you that has imperfections and flaws and sins. It seems like a very isolating and empty lifestyle.
Second, the movie was very confused. The movie created a scenario that depected sin, murder, hate, envy, and all of those evils as simply because life was unfair, but that surrogates allow everyone to be beautiful and have incredible strengths and skills, so crime dropped dramatically with the development of surrogates. Let me just say, no matter how sophisticated a computer surrogate can be, sin will not disappear from it's creation. Sin is deeper than people doing bad things. People don't just sin, we are sinful. Our outward actions are not the only problem, greed and pride and jealously always run rampant in the human heart. We are completely dead inside, completely self centered... any good in our lives points to God's grace, not to our goodness.
But the movie certainly highlights some truth, that our human hearts point to and long for, although we don't know how to acheive what we want. Our bodies are not perfect, for all sorts of reason, but we long for perfection. My mom is handicapped, and walking is a struggle for her. But, she is determined to continue to live as independently as possible. But my mom has a hope and a promise that not all people share. My mom knows that this life and body are temporary, but that one day, she will be in the presence of Christ, and that when the great resurrection happens, she will be given a new, perfect body! We long for perfection, because we were created for perfection. Now, sin has so permeated everything that we are confused about what perfect even is. But, what a sweet truth that followers of Christ have... this is not all there is or ever will be!
I hope we do not go down the path that Surrogates the movie went down. I don't think it would be a black and white issue, but very gray, and very complicated. But, our society is continually evolving, sometimes quite rapidly, and becoming more dependent upon technology for everything. As Christians we do need to be ready for what the future holds, and ready to give answer for what we beleive and why. But techonology may prove to be just another way to point to the truth that the human heart is broken, but longs for perfection that can only be found in Christ.

Forgetfulness

So... I have a confession to make. I have a really hard time with losing things. Well, what I mean to say is, I have a habit of losing things recently, like my purse, my cell phone, my keys, my wallet, my sunglasses... pretty much anything you can think of, I've misplaced or forgotten multiple times in the past 7 months. I've locked my keys in my car 4 times, 3 of those times within 2 months... I am so thankful for AAA because I've gotten my usage out of them! I'm especially irked with myself tonight, as I left my cell phone in my mom's van that's in High Point being worked on... how could I have done that! If losing things is an art, I have mastered it.

There are some things I try really hard to remember but forget anyway. Like, my friend's birthdays... usually I remember what month they are in, but I forget the exact day... at least now I can cheat on Facebook and look up their birthdays online.

Sometimes I can remember the most random things about a person, like who enjoys the Dove chocolate promises, and who thinks they are ridiculous. Or, why a friend hates the song about the Christmas Shoes...

And then, some things I do remember about my friends, that probably most of their friends know about them, because it's just part of who they are. I know which of my friends enjoy the arts, which of my friends enjoy sports, which of my friends like pottery, which of my friends like reading, which of my friends enjoys playing ROOK...

The thing I seem most prone to forget though, and the thing I desperately need to remember and take to heart moment by moment, is the Gospel. That is, that though I am a wretched sinner that is unworthy of God's love, that He sent His Son, Jesus, to live a perfect life, and then die a sinner's death, taking the sin of the world and the full wrath of God onto his being on the cross, and then three days later, He rose from the grave. And now Jesus sits at the righthand of God, and because He became the curse for me, through faith in His Provision and sacrifice, I can have eternal life. But not only do I have eternal life, when God looks upon me, He sees Jesus' righteousness, and His holiness, and His perfection, and it's not because of me or anything I have done or ever could do! It has NOTHING to do with me! And that's what I tend to forget.

Now, it's not like I forget the Gospel conceptually, I have just shared the Gospel with you. I know the Gospel. I understand the Gospel. I desperately need the Gospel. It indeed is my only hope.

It's more... well, sometimes I just don't live with the confidence the Gospel should impart... sometimes I live in guilt and only see my sinful depraved state before a Holy God who's wrath on sin is just and right and good. Sometimes I forget my sinful state and act like I could earn my own salvation by being good enough. Sometimes I forget to value the Gospel for the priceless treasure that it is, and I instead worship other idols that might be good things, but they are not meant to fulfill me the way that worshiping Christ should fulfill me. And these lessons are sometimes cyclicar, I grasp the Gospel one day, one moment, and elevate another idol the next. How can I forget this!??!!!

As I mentioned earlier in this blog, my beleif in the Gospel, the hope of my Salvation, has nothing to do with me. And that is a really great thing. I could never be good enough to deserve God's love. I could never earn enough gold stars to get into heaven. I cannot even come close to living a perfect life. I need to remember this truth, because salvation comes by faith alone, not in our good works. I need to be aware of my depravity and sinful state, to understand the complete mess I am in, to recognize my need for a Savior.

But in my times of forgetfulness... in the times when my heart looks to idols instead of Christ for fulfillment, in the times my heart is proud and forgets how depraved and sinful I really am... in those times which I forget, God's salvation in my life, and my election, still stands. In fact, the crazy thing, or one of the craziest things about salvation to me is, that God saves us knowing that we will forget! Knowing that we will continue to struggle with erecting different idols in our life, knowing that we will seek our joy in lesser things, knowing that we will still screw up royally... He knows that we are prone to forget... but He will never let us completely forget. He will remind us through His Word, and through His Body, (the local Gospel-centered church), through taking communion, through His Creation... He won't let us forget, because He is true to His promise of Salvation, and He is the source of our Faith.

This summer has been the most dramatic summer of my life by far, and also the most free-ing. I've learned so much it's hard to think about one thing to focus in on for a blog entry. But, I might write about faith for a minute. There are things in life we can try to control and hold on to, which shows our faith is in ourselves and not really in God. The moment we let go though, our lives demonstrate this amazing opportunity to allow God to work uniquely. We'll all find ourselves in different situations for this to play out. For me, I was definitely stuck in some difficult circumstances carrying a burden I could not bear alone. But I also couldn't see a way out. I remember hearing a sermon though about God moving mountains in our lives, and seriously this summer has been God moving mountain after mountain for me. The thing is, there are still some very difficult circumstances going on with my family that are completely out of my control. I could worry about them, but what would be the point? Jesus told us very plainly not to worry. What good does it do? Now, at this juncture in my life I am finding it very easy to let go of everything, and that doesn't mean that in the future I'll always have perfect faith and will never worry about anything. However, right now I've just seen God in His Sovereignty too clearly take care of me, even though it meant that I lost my sanity for a period of time in the process. I keep laughing that my worst fear became true in a sense, I had this lurking fear that I would develop schizophrenia like my biological mother had. I was diagnosed with bi-polar with manic psychosis this summer. I was very manic and psychotic, and hyper religious. I've got a bookful of funny hospital stories, actually... okay maybe not a bookful, but the more I remember, the more I realize how out of it I had become. But I learned a lot about faith in the hospital, and trusting in God and in the body of Christ. I might not have trusted my family, the doctors, the nurses, the social workers or the medications, but thankfully the Lord graciously allowed me to trust in Him and my church family through the process. I will only be able to say a fitting thank you I'm sure on the other side of eternity to everyone who supported me through that period. But seeing how God took care of detail after detail over my life reinforces the faith I have in His Goodness and Providence over all. And, I think that's what learning to live with faith in Christ is about. Letting go of everything and allowing Him to work out His Divine Plan through you. Beleiving the promises He has given us in His Word.
I still don't understand everything or pretend to know it all. I can only rest my hope in the One who does know how His Plan for creation will be competely worked out in the end.

Spontaneous Expansion

I'm going to try to organize some thoughts about the books I'm having to read for class, and generate ideas of my final paper... this will be from The Sponaneous Expansion of The Church by Rolland Allen, if anyone decides to read for themselves.
Chapter 1. The Nature of Sponaneous Expression
When a person experiences the life changing power of Christ, they will naturally desire to share that experience with those around them. That person will share with with their peers, and I really like how Allen writes this... "He speaks from his heart because he is too eager to be able to refrain from speaking. His subject has gripped him. He speaks of what he knows, and knows by experience."
This really makes me wonder about how evangelism in the U.S. that became all about huge numbers of people praying to receive Christ, saying a prayer... don't get me wrong, I know the Holy Spirit can totally speak to people at rallies and conferences, and change their lives for Christ... but should we wait to count converts until actually seeing their heart and life changed? It seems like more of us here would share our faith naturally, eagerly, which also makes me wonder, how many of us actually have experienced God's deliverance and power and healing in our hearts and lives? It's just, this makes sense to me, we will share what we experience, and grow deeper through our sharing of that experience... I don't know... but I am certain that there are many who profess Christ here in the U.S., who know about Christ but do not have a vibrant living relationship with him, and there are also many who get so entrapped in sin and blinded by Satan's lies that they never do experience the freedom, deliverance, and full abundant life that Christ promises! So... what is my own testimony, what am I eager to share with my co-workers and friends and family of how God is working in my life?
The power of this tesimony is that it is voluntary and spontaneous - that is, if you are not being paid to share the gospel. I have friends in the ministry, and I want to go into the ministry myself, but we all know this is true to a certain degree, both here and overseas. I mean, if people think it is my profession to share the gospel, well, they know it is not my faith alone compelling me to share. Once I begin full time seminary studies, will the power of my testimony be affected because those non-beleivers will think I am simply gaining a new degree for a new means of employment? And, at my work right now, I feel a certain attitude would arise among co-workers that those in the full time ministry are so divorced from the stresses of normal everyday life, and that if they were not ministers of a paid profession, maybe their own faiths would dissolve over time as the demands of their family and career took over. I'm thinking particularly about my boss, who seems amused at my own faith, and Bible study, and desire to share Christ with the world, and has made comments that imply one day, I'll grow up, get married, have a family, and the pressures of life will not allow me time for Bible study and outreach and church. I cannot say that this could never happen. I see how it has happened to her, and many others, and it makes me pray that I will cling to God's Word as my life through all stages of my life. My boss also though does not beleive in the inerrancy of scripture, which would in the end make the surest difference in anyone's faith - if you stop believing God's word to be truth that is relevant to your life, well, why would you make studying it and fellowship around it a priority? All this to say, though, that our attitude that you need to be a trained minister to be able to share the Gospel is really a hindrance to the growth of the church, and that your own testimony might truly be a more powerful witness to a co-worker and a friend than the best sermon the best preacher can preach.
We distrust this "spontaneous expansion" process, for a lot of different reasons. We cannot control it, for one, and that is true, if the Holy Spirit is moving from person to person, that is certainly not something in our control! However, if we try to restrict that movement we can quench the movement of the Spirit and kill the spread of the gospel for all our good intentions. But should our fear of spontaneous expansion to become disordered be what dictates our missiology? I'm thinking the only fear we should have is a fear of God, and if in the end God holds us accountable for our desires to keep things in our control, to the detriment of the Gospel being spread, we need to take that seriously indeed.
"We cannot possibly open the door to an unrestricted freedom for the expression of the natural instinct and spiritual grace without opening it also to the expression of self-will; and that we dare not do." Wow. Missions during the time of expanssion and colonialism sometimes was really muddled, and I hope that at this point in history those out there spreading the Gospel to the ends of the earth have a more noble goal for God's glory and name to be spread to the ends of the earth, for the planet to shout in worship to Him for our salvation.
Allen points out that actions that hold self will restrained also will restrain the zeal of a new beleiver, and that zeal and fervor is what would naturally compel the Gospel forward, goodness why have we ever gotten in the way?
If we fear that there will be disorder and rebellion against the Gospel and the church if we do not keep it under our control... we really miss a greater danger of an even greater rebellion that Allen points out... that, our efforts to control which diminish the zeal of new converts, eventually will be recognized by those foreigners we've tried to reach, and when their intellectual capacity allows them to see that foreigners used a Gospel message to keep them under control - they will resent the message we present and rebel. Whoa.
I'll begin chapter two later, but I will say this... these critiques Allen puts forth on how we've done missions (and granted his book was written 45 years ago and today the world of missions has grown and taken heed of many of his warnings and debated the ideas he writes about in this book...) but it makes me think, if this is how God works through the rest of the world, how has the church grown in such a different way here in the West, and has our church growth been of a lasting addition to the body of Christ, or merely been inflated numbers for us to be able to count and judge our progress in ways we can count and organize and see... I will have to keep thinking about this, and this class makes me want to take church history as well... when did church start also becoming about church buildings, not just fellowship between beleivers, and how that transition from focusing on the spiritual to the material has affected our understanding of what church, and the body of Christ, should look like. Hmmmm...