Indicators of a Worship Problem

I love reading.  I have more books than I’m really able to read.  Owning a Kindle has not helped in this.  It is just so easy to look up a book, click a button, and BAM you own a new book! 

I’ve even found a website to get cheap and free Christian books.  I check it everyday, almost religiously – HA. 

Well… today has been a squeamish day… I’ve read two chapters that have highlighted some worship problems I have… my idolatry of money. 

I’m reading Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman, and I’ve enjoyed the book so far.  Thankfully I’ve been able to identify myself as a follower of Jesus, not a fan.  But today, the first question Kyle asked to probe the depth of my identity with Jesus was, “For What do You Sacrifice Your Money?”  I knew I was in trouble.

“How you spend your money tells a story about what matters the most to you.” 

Ouch.  I have a tumultuous relationship with money.  Right now I am a slave to my credit card debt.  It’s interesting, when my mom tries to make me feel guilty about spending money I don’t have, I blow her off and justify my spending.  I’ll pay everything back once I have a job, even if it takes a long time.  I’ve been in debt before, and I’ve gotten out of debt.  I’ve given a lot of money away in the past, to the church, to a child with Compassion International, to Opportunity International, to support friends on staff with CCC.  Maybe over my lifetime my bank account will not look as bad. 

Or maybe it will show the seasons most fruitful for me spiritually and how that did or did not correlate with my bank account and where and when I gave my money. 

A guilt trip I can blow off, but a worship problem forces me to look at the heart of the matter. 

When I spend money I do not have on a dinner out with friends, or a new book or CD… a new iPod… whatever it is, I’m actually saying, God I don’t trust You to provide what I need, so I’m going to buy what I think I need and become a slave to it.  Because really, that has put me further in debt, which is definitely a form of slavery.  Am I willing to admit that my heart is actually saying I do not trust God to provide what I need? 

Then, as if that was not enough for my heart to ponder, I read a chapter out of GOSPEL by J.D. Greear, about this line of the gospel prayer he presents in his book.

“Your presence and approval are all I need for everlasting joy.” 

Really? 

I should be preaching this to myself all the time. 

Do I desire God, or God’s blessings?  Because what I would say and what my bank statements would say are definitely two different stories. 

I’ve been through many different seasons financially in my whole lifespan of 31 years, and at least I am no longer suicidal over figuring out how to pay off debt.  However, I’m grown too accustomed to apathy towards debt.  And, the Lord is trying to tell me something, that apathy towards money is NOT AN OPTION. 

“No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”  Matthew 6:24

This is also a reason we need to have close community, so other people around us can say, “Stacy, you do not have a job, why are you spending money on _______?  Do you have a worship problem?  Are you finding your satisfaction in things more than God?  Are you trusting Him to provide all you need?” 

I’ll leave musings on community for many other posts.  But, if you are misspending your money, you can hide your statements from other people, but you cannot hide them from God. 

Wrestling for God's Blessing

So, last night I began to sort through all of my journals that go back to my freshman year of high school through 2007.  Actually, now I’m wondering where are my other journals, from 2007 till 2013?  Really, the focus of the project was to sort and label the journals according to the dates I wrote in them.  Some journals only had a few entries, while others were completely filled.  Some journals didn’t have lines and I wrote in more creative patterns.  All of them fluctuated between journal entries and prayers to God. 

Anyhow, the very first journal I found, I skimmed through.  This one was not very used.  I guess that journal writing was not a priority of mine then, but I wish I had written more to look back on.  Still, I had a few entries, one about the incident where I cut my finger with a electric hedgeclipper.  One about my excitement about going to camp.  But, I had one memory from camp that really caught my eye and my mind.

When I was alone, I saw this puddle where drops were coming down. And I thought about my life, how I was a small puddle and the water already there was my relationship with Jesus, and how he kept adding a little more knowledge and depth in our relationship one day at a time, because I couldn’t handle it all at once. 

I think it is still a good metaphor for my relationship with God.  It kindof reminds me of the story in Genesis when Jacob wrestles a man all night long who he recognizes as God.  If God was really wrestling with a man, you know he was holding back.  His holiness alone would smite out the life of a sinner.  His strength, yeah, He would be way stronger than a person.  But He holds back in this wrestling match, and even as he touches Jacob’s hip and knocks it out of socket, He allows Jacob to hold on until he receives His blessing. 

I listened to J.D. Greear preach about this about a month ago.  He was leading his church in developing the kind of prayer life he would love to see with member’s lives being totally changed.  It was a really great sermon, Wrestling All Night, and I’d encourage anyone to listen to it.  http://www.summitrdu.com/messages/

In my metaphor, I play a more passive role, with God alone revealing Himself.  However, Jacob is not willing to settle for a mere drop of God’s presence, He wrestles all night for God’s blessing.  J.D. asked, how many blessings does God have in store for us because we do not ask, we do not press through?

I tend to get discouraged easily about life’s circumstances, and then I lose heart when it comes to praying about them.  And, then God convicts me of my little faith. 

I don’t know about you, but I am more hungry and more desperate to experience God’s presence and blessing in my life so that people cannot help but see the Gospel guiding my being.  I don’t want to be stuck with discouragement and depression and despair.  I want a faith that is so deep that it brings me joy in even the worst circumstances life brings. 

I’ll leave you with a note from Lecrae. This song really hits home.

Now Your presence is my treasure, never ending peace.
And they can't keep me from Your love cause it'll never cease. (Naw!)
So I pray You keep me, cause I can't keep myself (No!)
Protect me from my sin. I know I'm bad for my health.
And I'm dieing to know You. Wake me up and let me read.
Treat Your words so if they cut me this is what I bleed.
Give me a double feature.
Give me a triple portion.
I'm coming back for seconds, thirds, fourth, more, more, more!

Your goodness. Your mercy. (More!)
I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. (More!)
Your love and Your grace. (More!)
I just need a taste. (More!)
Your peace and Your passion. (More!)
Your joy and compassion. (More!)
You got it I need it. (More!)
I just gotta have it. (More!)

Yeah I need more. (More!)
Yeah I need more. (More!)
Yeah I need more. (More!)
Lord give me more (More!)
Yeah I need more. (More!)
Yeah I need more. (More!)
Yeah I need more. (More!)
Lord give me more.

If I don't know it. Teach me please though I'm undeserving.
Don't let me loose sight of my Savior, cause my Savior's worthy. (Jesus!)
Apart from Him I'm zip, zero, ziltch, nada, nothing.
No point in acting like I'm somebody to prove somethin'.
Open my understanding when I read the Scriptures.
It's still Your word inside a darkened wretched lowly sinner.
Make me acquainted with Your covenants and perfect plans.
Humble me by showing me the world's in Your hands.
Lead me in the truth. (Truth!)
Wisdom. Revelation.
Apply Your blood to my dirty soul for salvation.
And help me believe.
Lord, Lead me to faith.
Just teach me Your ways.
I'm in need of Your grace.
Purify my heart.
Fill me with Your Spirit.
Occupy me with Your presence.
Keep Your servant near.
Give me faith to behold.
Write Your name on my soul.
Make me whole for Your glory
and Your name to be known. (More, More, More)

More, Rehab :The Overdose 2011

Reachrecords.com

Keep wrestling for God’s Blessing. 

Rainbow Sandals and the Grace of God

I have a picture, well a handful of pictures, of my pair of rainbows that I finally managed to let go of a few weeks ago.  I got the sandals back in 2005, and they served me very well.  Unfortunately, during my first manic episode used the sandals as shower shoes and probably wore them out, and that was the summer of 2009.  I hung onto them and wore them a few more years, but when I pulled them out of storage it was beyond obvious that I needed to let them go.  Warped cracked, and just looked like no one in their right mind would put them on.  I think that’s kindof the ironic point though, that I wore them the way that no one in their right mind would.  I dug them deep into the ground, probably as rough on them as rough as I’d treat a pair of sturdy boots.  But it’s really the mental state I was in that is the interesting part of this story. 

So… the week before I went into the hospital I had some very interesting revelations, and to say that I was having religious delusions is an understatement.  I was reading religion into EVERYTHING… and I’ll write more about that soon enough.  But, the Friday that I ended up going to the hospital was a bit of that hyped up thinking, and really I’m not too sure where it all came from.  But it was pouring down rain that day, I mean pouring down rain, and I laughed that my rainbows were saving me from the flood. 

Well, that’s not the exact order of events accounted for in Genesis, but at least some of you are familiar with the story of Noah’s ark.  God calls Noah to build an ark before he executes justice on the earth by destroying every living thing, Noah listens to and obeys God, his family builds the ark, they gather animals two by two into the ark, God seals the door and the raining began.  And it rained, and it rained, and it rained, for 40 days, destroying every living thing.  I don’t know what that experience was like for Noah’s family, but it seems like it would have been really disturbing. 

Well, after the 40 days of nonstop flooding, the weather mellowed out, and the seas began to lower, until eventually it was safe for Noah’s family to venture onto dry land.  Noah makes an alter to God out of his gratitude of being saved by God’s judgment, and God makes a promise to never destroy the earth again with a flood, and the sign of this promise was what we call today the rainbow. 

Now, I was never in an actual flood per say, but every detail in my mind was conjuring up some kindof religious metaphor, even if I didn’t really get it.  But, I do know this, that every time I took a shower in the hospital, I literally flooded the entire bathroom and half of the bedroom.  The nurses would get so frustrated because of me.  But if the judgment of being in the hospital was partly to wash away my doubts and fears of God’s intervention in my life, the rainbows were just another symbol of God’s faithfulness and love and salvation.  While drowning in my sins, Christ came to earth, lived perfectly on my behalf, was destroyed in the flood of God’s judgment in my place, was resurrected to give me the victory not just to not drown but to dance on the water with him. 

All that from a pair of Rainbows.  Go figure!

How can we influence celebrity with the Gospel? Take One

So, I’ve made this decision to start praying for celebrities in our culture.  I mean, the thing is, most of us value celebrities more than our local government officials… seriously, I don’t know who the mayor of Winston-Salem is, I sure don’t know who the mayor of Clemmons is… there was one hot minute where I would have known a local politician because I knew him from church, but he decided not to run.  So, I am admitting I know nothing about the people who make decisions that probably directly affect me… but I watch TV and know the news from Brian Williams, and then whatever Dateline and ET report on… which seriously those shows really do have almost the exact same stories… the thing is, most people… well, maybe they don’t care about local politics, and lots of people don’t care about politics at all, but entertainment, THAT is big, THAT is influence, THAT is power.  At least, it has potential to be power.  The money it rakes in.  I don’t know that there is a way to change this set up, with entertainment as King.  Haha, what was it that Jafar said in Aladdin, Whoever has the gold Makes the rules?  It’s true.  Or it can seem true.  Give me time to really reflect on this, but the point isn’t so much to point out that celebrity and entertainment are the gods of the USA, it’s to say, WOW, these people are in such a position of influence and have so many temptations at their fingertips… would it not be AWESOME to hear some of them actually preach the Gospel as part of their identity and what makes them tick?  I mean, for real… it would be really cool.  I guess I would also judge that celebrity based on the message of the media… for example, I probably would not give the cast of Dexter great reviews.  (I’ve never seen the show and never will.)  It might be a show with truly talented actors that raises disturbing but intriguing questions about justice… but a show that elevates a serial killer to a hero is just never going to be something I would support.  But… okay, I really enjoy Once Upon a Time, as my latest post reveals, so there are some really great shows and movies and musicals and wow, the entire entertainment culture, of course there are some really great shows, and the actors could use our prayers.  Now, I will say this, I saw one episode of the 666 show, which was creepy, and so I prayed against the show, and every time I saw a commercial I was like, God, please do not let this show go on.  It’s glorifying evil and satan like he’s some pawn we manipulate, but he’s a roaring lion waiting to destroy our souls… PLEASE get this show off the air.  And, I guess not enough people watched it, because it did not get  another season out there.  Well, there’s plenty of other dark shows out there, that mostly I ignore because I don’t want to know all the crap out there… wow this post is really all over the place, not very well thought out, but it’s just a starting point for me, I’ll elaborate on it all eventually.  Enough for now.  Goodnight!

Once Upon A Time and the Real Savior

There’s a huge revelation the show Once Upon a Time is coming to, that Henry the son of the savior and grandson of Snow White is on the verge of discovering.  And if that discovery comes to pass, the need for a greater Savior will become even more evident in the plotline of this wonderful series. 

In our often oversimplified fairy tales we tend to classify characters as good or evil.  And the characters single choice can direct every other following choice in a trajectory of what is right and good and true or what is manipulative and lustful for revenge and power.  But as we all know, sometimes the right choice is just not clear.  In this series, it seems that the best intentions of the good characters is continuously thwarted by the bad.  So many times Snow White, or Mary Margaret in our world, has extended the gracious offer of diplomacy with Regina, the evil queen or manipulative mayor.  But each episode displays a complicated backstory to their relationships in the fairytale world. 

Henry, in his naiveté, sees the power and negative effects magic has upon all the adults around him.  He still thinks of each person within the box of goodness or evil, and blames magic for the constant fighting and power play between these people he loves, that are all related to him somehow.  He doesn’t understand that the problem is within the hearts of those he loves.  The adults in the room do not rush to explain the truth to Henry, even though he can sense the lies they try to comfort him with.  Maybe if they did have a heart to heart, it would go something like this. 

Henry, magic is not the problem of our town.  Magic is amoral, neither good nor bad.  All magic has a price, so be careful how you use it. 

You see, magic might be seen as a gun.  A gun is merely a gun until it is held by a person.  The gun then becomes a weapon or a tool, depending on who is holding it. 

Likewise, magic can be used for both good and evil. 

The real issue is, ALL of our hearts are evil. 

The Bible teaches us that all of us are evil, and that it is God’s grace that allows any mercy, grace, and love possible in our lives. 

We all struggle internally with temptations every day.  They may not be as big as stealing a magic dagger to control a demonic lord to kill all your enemies.  But the temptations are there. 

You have seen all of us give into the temptation to lie, convincing ourselves that lies are acceptable if they are to protect the person we love.  But lies are never truly justifiable.  They just seem easier than explaining the truth. 

Henry, Mary Margaret may make the right decision most of the time, but she is not perfect.  The dark stain now growing in her heart will destroy her without a serious intervention of something or someone that can save her.  She will wallow in guilt and darkness and perpetual self destruction, or maybe will lash out in violence towards people around her.  She needs someone greater than herself to rescue her, someone who can rescue her from the inside out.  Emma may have saved Storybrook from the curse, but even she cannot save her mother’s heart. 

But Henry, there is great news!  Even though there is darkness in all of our hearts, even though we scheme and manipulate and lie to keep control, even though the very purest of us all is just as corrupt on the inside, there is a real Savior, a TRUE Savior, and He made the ultimate sacrifice for our sins some 2000 years ago.  He alone can cleanse us within, can take our hearts of stone and turn them to hearts of flesh.  He took our sin and filth and unrighteousness and offered us His righteousness, His purity, His cleanness, His life.  If we cling to Him, even the deepest darkest stain of evil is cleansed and made righteous and pure by his blood.  The salvation he offers is free to us, but it cost His life to make it possible.  He is the Only Truly Pure Good Person who ever lived.  He is Perfect!  In fact, He lived a perfect life that is credited to us by faith in him!  Because He took the punishment for all of our evil and sin, everything wrong and scary and bad, he bore upon the cross for us.  He takes our punishment and pain and sin and gives us life and love and righteousness.  And He alone has the power to do that, the power to grant this salvation, because He alone was resurrected from the dead.  If he can raise the dead, there is nothing he cannot do.  This Henry, is our REAL savior.  Cling to Him, only He can never let you down.  Many people love you as much as they can, but only Christ can love you perfectly.  Please come to Him.