I am a people pleaser.
To a fault, I want everybody to
like me. I hate being the bad guy, I worry I won’t be able to discipline my
kids if I ever have any, and then they will be really crazy and everyone will
think I’m not a very good parent. I’ve always wondered if I could be strict, or
if I would be too worried that I would be perceived as mean.
Until I started doing my job as a
one on one with individuals with developmental disabilities.
Now, with the young lady I worked
with last year, we’ll call her Tracy, overall she was pretty happy and
compliant with rules and chores… until she had a weekend of meltdown bad
hehaviors… but up to that point, the most trouble I had with her was limiting
the sweets. If I told her no, she could not have a second piece of cake, or
another cookie, she would get upset. Sometimes she would throw things on the
ground. But, I was able to stand my ground. I told her she could be upset and
even cry, but that she still would not get the extra cookie. Guess what? She got over it and still loved me!
Now I’m working one on one with
an older individual, Katie, and she is completely stubborn and does not want to
do anything asked of her. I’ve worked with her every morning this week, and
every morning she’s been late to get her meds, and then late to get dressed,
late to breakfast, late to everything. Late to get going. Stubborn. Tuesday morning she refused to get
on the van for day program, and she wouldn’t move for me, the daytime staff,
and even the manager! I tried to think of some kind of consequence that would
motivate her… I said, Katie if you stay here, you do not get a free pass. I
will make you do your big chore. Guess what? She got in the van.
Monday I had sat her down to
explain why I was working one on one with her. It’s not a good thing. I’m
working with her because she is not doing what she needs to do as part of the
household, she’s monopolizing the staff’s time and attention so that the other
ladies are over-shadowed by her bad behaviors… she takes entirely too long to
do the few things she’s supposed to do, if she does them… she’s not taking care
of herself… I’m the last resort of help before she’s kicked out of the house.
So really, my job is somewhat sad to me.
I had to tell her that I am not
there to be her friend, but that I’m there to encourage her to do her
responsibilities and try to get her assimilated into the house community. So
then I would probably ask things of her that she would not like or want to do.
I really talked to her about how
her behaviors are disrespectful to everyone, her family, household staff, the
other housemates, herself…
Basically I was explaining that I
was going to be the bad guy.
I don’t think she got it in that
moment, but as I’ve been on her tail all week to get her to do what she needs
to do, she’s finally on to me.
I don’t like you following me,
she says.
Well, if you did what you need to
do, I wouldn’t have to follow you! Ahem, right now, following you is my job.
Today as she got in the van, she
looked right at me and said, I don’t like you, I’m sorry, that’s just how I
feel, and you are not my friend!
Okay Katie, that’s okay, I still
love you, and I’m still your one on one, you’re stuck with me.
And it’s true, I do love her, and
I hate to see where she’s headed. Nursing homes are just… I’m sure there are
nicer ones, and her family will find the best one possible for her, because
they have the money to do that… but … right now she is capable of doing so
much. Once she is in a nursing home where she doesn’t have to do anything, she
will quickly lose the ability to do many things, and the digression I’m sure
will lead to a premature death. Sort of,
she’s already way outlived her life expectancy for her specific disability.
Everyone who loves her wants so much more for her, but in fact, she may be
giving up. Maybe she really is just tired and needs somewhere to rest. I think
she could get plenty of rest at the home.
So, I’m being the bad guy because
that’s what she needs. And actually, it’s okay. I understand that God is patient
and gracious towards me, so how can I not be that towards her?
I wonder sometimes if this is the
way God feels about us, when we are stubbornly persisting in our sin, and He is
like, There is So Much More! I am Greater than that sin! I am who you NEED.
God has gone much further towards
us than I could ever go towards Katie. He doesn’t stop an a few verbal prompts
to rescue us, He has thrown His own Son to the earth to live perfectly on our
behalf, to die the death our sin deserves, to rise from the grave declaring
victory over sin and death and satan, to rescue us from our sins. He may seem
like a bad guy when he threatens our idols or strips us bear of them, but He is
the greatest Good guy in the history of the world. I am so undeserving of this
wonderful gift. But I’ll take it, humbly, and by His grace He will change me
into the person He’s created me to be.
Lord Jesus, let me lay Katie’s
life at your feet, to do as You will, to change her heart, to make her whole.
Let me point her to Your gracious love and help her to dwell at the feet of the
cross. Whether she stays at the group home or moves to a nursing home, let her
understand Your love that will not allow her to keep stuck in her sin but that
will draw her closer to Yourself as her daughter. Thank You for the patient love You have towards me, and let
the Gospel always be a sweet reminder that even when life is hard and painful,
You are still good and worthy of my praise.
