Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah,

Pilgrim through this barren land.

I am weak, but Thou art Mighty;

Hold me with Thy powerful hand.

Bread of Heaven,

Feed me now and evermore;

Bread of Heaven,

Feed me now and evermore/

 

Open now the crystal fountain,

Whence the healing stream doth flow;

Let the fire and cloudy pillar

Lead me all my journey through.

Strong Deliverer,

Be Thou still my Strength and Shield;

Strong Deliverer,

Be Thou still my Strength and Shield.

 

When I tread the verge of Jordan,

Bid my anxious fears subside;

Death of deaths, and hell's destruction,

Land me safe on Canaan's side.

Songs of praises, I will ever give to Thee

Songs of praises, I will ever give to Thee.

 

Land me safe on Canaan's side,

Bid my anxious fears, bid my anxious fears

 

Land me safe on Canaan's side,

Bid my anxioua fears,

Bid my anxious fears,

Goodbye

 

Land me safe on Canaan's side,

Bid my anxious fears,

bid my anxious fears

 

Land me safe on Canaan's side,

Bid my anxious fears,

bid my anxious fears,

Goodbye

 

Land me safe on Canaan's side,

Bid my anxious fears,

bid my anxious fears

Goodbye

 

Bid my anxious fears

Goodbye

A Special Friend

I have a dear friend that I have enjoyed getting to know the past year through one of the agencies I've been employed. This friend has been a great encouragement. When I was sad that my friends did not have time for me, she reminded me to be thankful that I had friends at all! She likes to pray and sing. Her favorite types of music are musicals like The Sound of Music, and Mary Poppins. She also likes Laurence Welk.


Sometimes she is stubborn, as we all can be. Sometimes she listens to me, and sometimes… well she likes to be independent and does not like other people telling her what to do.

She has a family that loves her very much, and wants to help her as much as they can. She loves going to see her parents as often as she can. She loves when her sister in law is able to come up from Charlotte to visit.

My friend loves ice cream. Her favorite kind of ice cream is chocolate. And her favorite place to get ice cream is Mayberry’s. This is very nice for me because I like Mayberry’s as well.

My friend wants us to all listen and enjoy the people around us that love to sing and tell stories. I think that is wise and compelling, because not many people feel that they are listened to. And not many people think they are appreciated. Listening well may be one of the best gifts we can offer to anybody.

I love to see the times when my friend has joy in her heart. She listens to others and takes responsibility for living as an independent adult.

What I would like for people to observe about this friend is that every day is a new day to live in a positive way. We all have bad days, but those days do not have to define us. We can learn from them and live in the wisdom that life experiences give us.

I hope that everyone is blessed to have a friend like her.

The Bad Guy and The True Good Guy

I am a people pleaser. 

To a fault, I want everybody to like me. I hate being the bad guy, I worry I won’t be able to discipline my kids if I ever have any, and then they will be really crazy and everyone will think I’m not a very good parent. I’ve always wondered if I could be strict, or if I would be too worried that I would be perceived as mean.

Until I started doing my job as a one on one with individuals with developmental disabilities.

Now, with the young lady I worked with last year, we’ll call her Tracy, overall she was pretty happy and compliant with rules and chores… until she had a weekend of meltdown bad hehaviors… but up to that point, the most trouble I had with her was limiting the sweets. If I told her no, she could not have a second piece of cake, or another cookie, she would get upset. Sometimes she would throw things on the ground. But, I was able to stand my ground. I told her she could be upset and even cry, but that she still would not get the extra cookie. Guess what?  She got over it and still loved me!

Now I’m working one on one with an older individual, Katie, and she is completely stubborn and does not want to do anything asked of her. I’ve worked with her every morning this week, and every morning she’s been late to get her meds, and then late to get dressed, late to breakfast, late to everything. Late to get going.  Stubborn. Tuesday morning she refused to get on the van for day program, and she wouldn’t move for me, the daytime staff, and even the manager! I tried to think of some kind of consequence that would motivate her… I said, Katie if you stay here, you do not get a free pass. I will make you do your big chore. Guess what? She got in the van.

Monday I had sat her down to explain why I was working one on one with her. It’s not a good thing. I’m working with her because she is not doing what she needs to do as part of the household, she’s monopolizing the staff’s time and attention so that the other ladies are over-shadowed by her bad behaviors… she takes entirely too long to do the few things she’s supposed to do, if she does them… she’s not taking care of herself… I’m the last resort of help before she’s kicked out of the house. So really, my job is somewhat sad to me.

I had to tell her that I am not there to be her friend, but that I’m there to encourage her to do her responsibilities and try to get her assimilated into the house community. So then I would probably ask things of her that she would not like or want to do.

I really talked to her about how her behaviors are disrespectful to everyone, her family, household staff, the other housemates, herself…

Basically I was explaining that I was going to be the bad guy.

I don’t think she got it in that moment, but as I’ve been on her tail all week to get her to do what she needs to do, she’s finally on to me.

I don’t like you following me, she says.

Well, if you did what you need to do, I wouldn’t have to follow you! Ahem, right now, following you is my job.

Today as she got in the van, she looked right at me and said, I don’t like you, I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel, and you are not my friend!

Okay Katie, that’s okay, I still love you, and I’m still your one on one, you’re stuck with me.

And it’s true, I do love her, and I hate to see where she’s headed. Nursing homes are just… I’m sure there are nicer ones, and her family will find the best one possible for her, because they have the money to do that… but … right now she is capable of doing so much. Once she is in a nursing home where she doesn’t have to do anything, she will quickly lose the ability to do many things, and the digression I’m sure will lead to a premature death.  Sort of, she’s already way outlived her life expectancy for her specific disability. Everyone who loves her wants so much more for her, but in fact, she may be giving up. Maybe she really is just tired and needs somewhere to rest. I think she could get plenty of rest at the home.

So, I’m being the bad guy because that’s what she needs. And actually, it’s okay. I understand that God is patient and gracious towards me, so how can I not be that towards her?

I wonder sometimes if this is the way God feels about us, when we are stubbornly persisting in our sin, and He is like, There is So Much More! I am Greater than that sin! I am who you NEED.

God has gone much further towards us than I could ever go towards Katie. He doesn’t stop an a few verbal prompts to rescue us, He has thrown His own Son to the earth to live perfectly on our behalf, to die the death our sin deserves, to rise from the grave declaring victory over sin and death and satan, to rescue us from our sins. He may seem like a bad guy when he threatens our idols or strips us bear of them, but He is the greatest Good guy in the history of the world. I am so undeserving of this wonderful gift. But I’ll take it, humbly, and by His grace He will change me into the person He’s created me to be.

Lord Jesus, let me lay Katie’s life at your feet, to do as You will, to change her heart, to make her whole. Let me point her to Your gracious love and help her to dwell at the feet of the cross. Whether she stays at the group home or moves to a nursing home, let her understand Your love that will not allow her to keep stuck in her sin but that will draw her closer to Yourself as her daughter. Thank You for  the patient love You have towards me, and let the Gospel always be a sweet reminder that even when life is hard and painful, You are still good and worthy of my praise. 

Should we forgive Jodi Arias?

I haven’t posted in a while, but a small glimpse of the Jodi Arias final deliberations got me fired up.


This man, reporter maybe, I don’t know who he was, why he was interviewed, but he told the victims of her crime to hate her the rest of her life, and don’t worry about forgiveness because it’s overrated.

I guess that’s sadly the conclusion that those without Christ would come to.

Who wants to live a life filled with hate? Doesn’t that trap you into the crime perpetually? Is that what you want to get your identity from? Forgiveness brings freedom and healing.

But do we have to forgive even the most cruel crimes?

We can and should hate evil. And that means we want justice when someone has done a crime.

But for Christians, unforgiveness is not an option.

The truth is that we all have committed the worst of crimes by rebelling against God and trying to steal His Glory as our own. We have set ourselves to be our own god, and we constantly turn to things created to be our other gods, our idols, worshiping the creation over the Creator. Our hearts are wicked and sinful and only full of evil.

But God.

Even though we rebelled against Him, and deserve to die condemned to hell righteously, God made a way for our salvation. That way was to sacrifice His own Son, and have His Son die on a cross to take the penalty for our sin. Then, He rose His Son from the grave, and demonstrated His power over life and death through the crucifixion and resurrection. This was the only way God could forgive our sins, through the shed blood of His perfect Son.

God showed His children grace and forgiveness, and He calls all who follow Him to offer that forgiveness to others. Not because they deserve forgiveness, but because God showed us forgiveness and allows us the opportunity to share that with others, and draw them closer to God.

Should we hate the crime and horrible way Jodi killed her boyfriend? Yes!

Should we hate Jodi?

Certainly that would be the easy thing to do, but if you are a follower of Christ, you are not left with that option.

“but God shows shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Matthew 6:14-15

Sometimes Things Get Worse Before They Get Better

I’m feeling a restless need to process truth that I know at the moment instead of in taking truth.  (That is to say, I feel like writing instead of reading.  I always have solid books to read, but when I can’t focus on them, sometimes it means my brain is busy figuring out what to do with what I’ve read, what I already know, what I’ve experienced, etc. Even through processing by writing though I am in taking truth so maybe that’s not the best analogy.  For now it will do.) 

God is using painful circumstances to humble me. 

The greatest circumstance I would submit to this point would be my current unemployment.  Ever since I lost my job in 2009 it has been a struggle for me to find work.  I had some bad experiences with a temp agency.  I found a tutoring position that ended within a month because it lost funding.  I auditioned to work at a catering business, but even though I was going as fast as I could, I was just too slow in making the product. 

I worked for a summer camp.  I worked at Chipotle.  I worked at a local bakery for one of the craziest bosses in the world.  Really I was too slow at both Chipotle and the bakery.  I suppose me and the food industry do not mix. 

I worked and still work for Easter Seals UCP.  And I have enjoyed working there, but just have never broke into full time employment there, instead trying to juggle multiple clients. 

Ahhh, there was a brief time of relief for me when I got my job at UMAR.  I was able to work 30 hours a week with my CAP program participant, and it was so fun!  And a huge stress relief.  I worked with her from late July 2012 until November 2012.  Then she left the house, and left me without a job. 

Although, I have been able to fill in at the UMAR house some days.  If I was able to be a residential counselor I would, but the meds I take at night really knock me out and I fear I would not be much help if there was an emergency in the middle of the night.  And that actually would happen.  This is just to say, I cannot take the RC position with UMAR because I would be responsible for the program participants overnight.  Not all group homes have the same structure with their RC schedules, and I’ve applied to many different group homes. 

I really thought I was a competitive candidate to be a teacher’s assistant in an EC classroom, because of my experience with individuals with special needs.  But, I’ve only had one interview for one of those positions.  I’m hoping to be considered for next school year as well.  I’d love to be a TA for any class.  Pursuing that though has been a dead end thus far. 

I’ve recently started filling in for clients at Maxim, but that’s all it has been, fill in. 

So… it’s been rough, looking for jobs, applying for jobs.  I’m convinced that you really have to network and know someone to get a job.  All of these random jobs I’ve applied for online, I never hear back from. 

For me, a graduate from one of the top schools in the country, a person who thinks herself somewhat intelligent and certainly capable of being trained to do many jobs with excellence, well… to not have anyone knocking on my door asking me to work with them, it’s been frustrating.  And embarrassing.  I don’t think people who have never gone through this really understand it.  Thankfully people have backed off as far as asking me tons of questions about my job search. 

It’s hard though, to keep trusting in God to provide when it seems like He’s keeping jobs from you! 

I’m thankful to have friends praying for me, especially for my heart to not become bitter.  I think that if I was not a Christian, it would be very bitter, and that is very sad. 

Thank goodness Christ is constantly working to redeem and restore my life. 

Anyhow, I’m reflecting on this seemingly fruitless, or almost fruitless, time of my life, because I’ve been thinking about how in the Bible, oftentimes circumstances get much worse, almost hopeless, before they get better.  And it’s a perspective that’s giving me hope. 

I’m reading in Exodus right now, how God used Moses to bring His children out of Egypt to the promised land.  And some of the horrible things that happened before God’s children left Egypt.  Like all the baby boys being killed because of Pharaoh’s command.  Like how every time Moses went to Pharaoh to tell him to let the Israelites go, Pharaoh would harden his heart and make the work of the slaves even harder, not providing straw for the bricks, still demanding the same number of bricks.  Every plague I’m sure the Israelites thought, surely now Pharaoh will let us go, but every time he hardened his heart and would not let them go.  It was not until the death of the firstborn son of all of Egypt that Pharaoh broke and screamed for the Israelites  to leave because they were a stench to Him. 

The point is, things got worse, much much worse, before they ever got better. 

God was completely in control.  He knew that Pharaoh would harden his heart.  He knew how many plagues would happen, and used each plague to destroy the reputation of the idols of Egypt.  He knew that things would get harder and more severe for His people.  But his deliverance showed His glory uniquely to Egypt and all the surrounding nations, that they would see the mighty hand of God and tremble. 

Of course we can look to the death and resurrection to see that when Christ was crucified, there was a very dark Saturday before the resurrection on Sunday.  Although it must have seemed like the universe was out of control when Christ was on the cross, God was most in control, securing the salvation of His bride through the death of His son. 

This is God calling me to a greater trust in Him.  I do not know if I will find a job tomorrow or a year from tomorrow.  Things seem bleak now but they could be worse.  But even if I never find another job, the resurrection of Christ has guaranteed a better day for me, when I will be in His very presence, and thus secured a greater hope and anticipation for that day to come soon.  This side of heaven may seem fruitless, purposeless, frustrating, dark, but as dark as it may get, as bad as circumstances could become here on earth, things will get better. 

I was wrong - God is humbling me

About humility that is. 

If humility is simply a question of putting others before yourself, then yes anyone can practice humility, however flawed that attempt may be. 

This I argued frustratingly in Bible Fellowship one time, because it's a bit gray, of course Christians can be humble, but can't non Christians also display characteristics of God because they are made in his image?  They could demonstrate the gifts of God without recognizing where those gifts come from, right?

But I recently have been reading Humility, True Greatness by C.J. Mahaney, and he gives a different definition to humility. 

Humility is honestly assessing ourselves in light of God's holiness and our sinfulness. 

Wow. 

There leaves no room for a non-Christian to be capable of true humility, because a non-Christian could not even understand that juxtaposition. 

So I would like to formally admit I was wrong to try to defend non-Christians as being able to demonstrate humility, thus humbling myself and my pride in the process.

I only pray that God will continue to keep me humble throughout my life, graciously showing me errors, flaws, and sins, patiently waiting for me to conclude rightly that I must ascribe all glory for anything good in my life to Him, drawing me closer to His love through the cross and His power through the resurrection. 

I have been using a prayer that J.D. Greear shared in his book Gospel: Recovering the Power that made Christianity Revolutionary.  It helps me remember many truths about my salvation, God's greatness, my responsibilities as a Christian, His love and compasssion and power.  I'll share it here because it might be of some encouragement to you as well. 

"In Christ, there is nothing I can do that will make you love me more, and nothing I have done that makes you love me less.
Your presence and approval are all I need for everlasting joy.
As you have been to me, so I will be to others. 
As I pray, I'll measure your compassion by the cross, and your power by the resurrection."

This recollection of encouraging truths has influenced me in a positive manner, especially in developing my prayer life.  May it be an encouragement to you as well, and help us all remember our faith is a gift of God, keeping us humble in light of His grace. 

Lyrical Theology

While I’m sitting here with my mom watching another wonderful movie thanks to Netflix for keeping the hits coming, I thought I’d review the latest album I’ve gotten, Lyrical Theology by Shai Linne.  Let me just say, I wish all albums produced such giddiness in me. 

I LOVE THIS ALBUM.  It was love at first hearing.  Listening to each song was like opening another wonderful present.  I never knew this music was missing from my heart until I heard it and it brought such joy! 

Maybe the beats are an old school throw back, but Lyrical Theology delivers with it’s lyrics.  These songs are very deliberate in unfolding Biblical Reformed theology in an easy to understand way, so you don’t have to be a scholar to understand what he’s saying. 

I don’t know, I’ve never heard an album just break down in a systematic theology path.  But literally I smile listening to every song. I’m not lying or exaggerating when I say it makes me giddy. 

Table of Contents gives an overview of where Shai’s theology will go in the album, and this song introduces the powerful theological truths that are about to be broken down.  There is no mistaking where this man is going, and it’s in a "no apologies this is what the Bible says" direction. 

And then Shai takes us there, from the hypostatic union, to active obedience… and let’s clarify, the active obedience is the active obedience of Christ, not our works.  Exalted is a sweet praise song thrown in the mix.  Regeneration, The Holy Spirit, Election… who writes songs unpacking these theological truths?  Shai, thank you brother.

Cosmic powers brings us the reality of the spiritual battle we’re all in, and it’s important to have that perpective, especially… our culture tends to ignore anything supernatural.  I wish there were more songs like this, how to engage in spiritual warfare.  Maybe that’s because of my own struggles with experiencing spiritual warfare and delusions and hallucinations, and I’m desperate for encouragement.  That to say, I appreciate this song a lot. 

False Teachers is by far the most controversial song of the album.  But I love it, it really blasts a lot of the blasphemous teachers out there getting away with lies virtually unscathed.  There will always be people wanting the health and wealth prosperity gospel, but the more people that are warned that that is NOT the Gospel, the better.  Shai takes responsibity of teaching his fans how to discern false doctrines.  Then he actually calls out some of the many false teachers in our society, Joel Osteen and then some.  I haven’t heard artists outright explicitly name those false teachers so I’m glad to hear it said.  This song should stir up conversations that need to be had, especially in the church, because false teachers really are confusing the flock and misleading them. 

Preach it Shai!

The rest of the songs are just as vibrant.  I really enjoy the Q and A with Stephen the Levite… but I enjoy them all actually.  I love a song that challenges us to read the Word, and With All My Mind seems the most fitting song to end an album that has engaged our minds with rich theology. 

I love the album because it brings these great theological truths into songs that people can understand and follow and learn from, and it's straight up good rap.  Music is SO influential to a person’s life, mind, soul, everything.  So, any album that can engage the Gospel clearly, explicitly, theologically sound, is a hit in my book.  Lyrical Theology is not just another hit, though, it hits the ball out of the park.  Please get the album and listen up J  and be blessed. 

French Fries

A little rhyme I made with a client today while she snacked on her favorite: FRENCH FRIES!

I love my french fries; they're the best
All other foods can take a rest
My tastebuds put them to the test
Yes french fries are the very best

Let me catch up on my ketchup
If you like french fries come on stand up

The fries at the bowling alley
Rack up some of the highest tally
They always bowl a perfect strike
Tasty yeah that's what I like

Yeah french fries are the very best
When I eat them I'm truly blessed   :) 

Teaching Overseas and the Will of God

I’ve decided I’m going to teach in East Asia for at least a year.  I’d like to go within the year, actually by September, but I do have some affairs to put in order, mostly financial affairs.  What an irony that I need to have money saved to go to a job where I will make money. 

Still, I’ve had mixed responses to my decision, and not all good ones. 

I know my mom doesn’t think I should go overseas. 

Something to do with the risks of being bi-polar.  I get that there’s risk, but there’s risk anywhere in the world that I could go.  I’m not going to spend the rest of my life in Clemmons out of fear. 

I actually haven’t talked a lot in detail about this yet.  But the girls I have breakfast with on Sunday mornings had a definite shock to my revelation. 

And, it wasn’t a good shock, it was a this could be a really bad idea shock. 

Sylvia did have a good point that it would be a huge risk because this past time I had to go to the hospital, I was at home with support systems in place.  What if I had to go to the hospital overseas, with no support?

Well, I guess I’d get to write about the hospitals in China… or Japan… or Indonesia… either way I have a feeling it’d make for an intriguing book.  Although not having visitors in a hospital really sucks, I’m not going to lie. 

Lora was like, you need to make sure you have enough saved up, what if you needed an emergency plane ticket back to the U.S.?  This I would probably have neglected if I had just completely impulsively left in the next month.  Seriously would have said whatever!  Sheesh. 

You know, I could just immediately, if I really wanted to. Would just have to wait for passport and visa, but I could negotiate a plane ticket over if I wanted a job bad enough.  That’s how much they really want native English speaking teachers.  That is very good for me.

There’s this verse in Acts I’ve been meditating on, well, a couple of verses… but they say,”For if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail, but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God.” Acts 5:38-39

So… this Pharisee here, Gamaliel, is speaking to the Pharisees to leave the apostles alone and see whether their teachings will remain or simply run out of steam and perish.  The apostles were on fire, literal tongues of fire at Pentecost had come and given them supernatural abilities to preach the gospel in all different languages and do miracles in Christ’s name, it was pretty awesome… and the Pharisees were not happy about it.  Well, they were being blamed for crucifying Jesus, but they did, so… anyhow, the legacy of the apostles is penned in the New Testament for us to see the power of the Gospel today, so I’d say their teachings were legit. 

Anyhow, I think there’s a good understanding here of… well, I think it’s another way of trusting God’s providence.  I mean, I really do want to go overseas to live, and I’m not trying to limit this to a certain timeline and say if I’m not overseas by this time it must not be the will of God.  It’s more just… if things do not work out immediately, I guess that will be my answer.

But, I don’t think that means stop trying if you really want to do something, sometimes you really have to be persistent and go after what you want.  Plenty of people have to apply to college more than once, to grad school multiple times, to jobs they really want… you don’t give up. 

So… if a big reason I would be at risk overseas is because of my bi-polar, I better start researching now to find some good international psychiatrists.  I’m sure there are plenty in the bigger cities of Asia, it’s a matter of finding the right one for me, and then that would direct my job search big time.  Right now, I’m casting the nets to see what the catch has.  I’ll let you know the fruits of my labor. 

 

Joseph's Many Blessings

After reading Genesis 41, I have a few deeper thoughts to ponder about Joseph.  I’m not sure what I already wrote, so sorry if it’s redundant.  But, my heart read this part of the story in more detail this morning. 

First of all, I notice God’s timing in all of these events.  In Genesis 40, we see Joseph in charge of the prison interpreting the dreams of Pharaoh’s servants.  God gives him the interpretations, and each of the dreams came true.  However, when the cupbearer is restored to his position in the palace, he forgets about Joseph for the next two years.  Joseph asked him to remember him and try to get him out of prison.  He was in prison unjustly, for not sleeping with his boss’s wife.  She totally set him up for that… making sure there were no helpers in the house… trying to lure him into bed… I’m sure she was beautiful, she was the wife of an Egyptian stud leader, I’m sure he had his pick of beautiful women.  But Joseph is resolute, he will not defile his master in such a way.  Then she conveniently grabs his robe when he runs and has her story all ready to land him in prison.  She is used to having her way, and taking down anyone standing in that way.  Her husband believes her and is angry at Joseph.  I always wonder if he is simply blinded to reality by his wife’s beauty, or what.  But he throws Joseph in the can. 

P.S. Joseph’s coats keep getting him into trouble!  He needs to watch what he’s wearing. 

So all that to say, Joseph’s stuck in prison because he has integrity.  That sucks.  Then there’s this glimmer of hope of getting out when he interprets this dream of the cupbearer correctly.  Finally things will turn around for him!  And then, he’s just forgotten.  For another 2 years.  In prison.  Now, prison back in those days was not as nice as it is now.  So, his fate is even worse than what it would translate into in modern times.  But, it’s not until Pharaoh has disturbing dreams that Joseph is remembered at all.  And here’s the thing.  If Joseph had left prison two years earlier, who knows if the Pharaoh could have tracked him down.  But as it is, Pharaoh gives Joseph a chance out of chains, and God delivers Joseph from the prison he had been in.  God helps Joseph interpret the dreams and gives him the meaning.  Pharaoh is so impressed that he puts Joseph in charge, makes him second in command over the whole country, and Joseph is able to save many lives in Egypt during the times of extreme famine.  God knew what He was doing, keeping Joseph in chains a few years longer.  I bet Joseph didn’t know at that time what the purpose was. 

I say this because God calls me to trust his perfect timing in my life.  Maybe I have not been ready to go overseas until now, but God has prepared me.  Maybe I have not had a full time job, but God has had other things in store for me. I just know that the temptation to not trust God’s timing is always there, and having faith is moment by moment, not a one time decision.  The hard thing is not knowing the plan and how everything will turn out.  And the tricky thing is, sometimes we don’t see God’s blessings in our circumstances.  Paul was praising God in prison, when he was beaten, when he was stoned… his joy carries him through crappy circumstances.  He is thankful for his salvation and ability to endure even in, and especially in, weakness.  Circumstances are not what we should rely on for blessings, the presence of God is our blessing. 

Next, I noticed the names of Joseph’s kids, and the reasons he chooses their names.  His firstborn son’s name symbolizes that God made Joseph forget all his hardship and all his father’s house, and his second son’s name means that God has made Joseph fruitful in the land of his affliction.  So… this give me a better picture of where Joseph’s heart has been.  Being accused of a crime he was innocent for and forgotten about in prison for years did take a toll on him, I can’t imagine the scarring that was left.  And his brothers wanting to murder him and selling him into slavery?  Talk about pain and hurt.  His brothers hated and rejected him.  He could not help that he was his dad’s favorite, and apparently parents in that time just showed blatant favoritism towards their children and didn’t care that it would hurt the other kids… still.  My spirits would have been so low, even though God’s hand of blessing seemed to follow Joseph, there was a lot of pain.  But God restored Joseph, and there was healing in his heart towards all the injustices he had been through.  He could see now there was a reason.  He no longer held onto any bitterness and frustration his heart had battled.  His hardships were forgotten… maybe not the hardship of circumstances, but the hardships of his heart. 

Then, God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction.  Not only has Joseph forgotten the bitterness and pain of all these horrible injustices that he endured, God has turned everything around and heaped blessings and blessings upon him.  He is fruitful.  Blessings in abundance.  Meaning, purpose, vision, hope, salvation, so many blessings.  And, I think God wants us to experience his blessings the same way.  He wants our lives to be fruitful.  He is looking for us to cling to Him for our blessings. 

There is only one God who can allow us to go through life in all different circumstances and allow us to experience His Joy when life is hard and heartbreaking  instead of bitterness and resentment.  There is only one way of salvation that brings us hope and restoration to God’s kingdom, and his name is Jesus Christ.   HE IS OUR BLESSING.  Our lives will be fruitful in the light of His glory and grace, because He does indeed restore our purpose, to bring Him glory by enjoying him forever.  What an amazing God and King! 

Joseph's Great Faith

So… every time I read about Joseph in the Bible, I am in awe of him. 

I wish I had that kind of faith in God’s providence.  But I don’t, and I freak out whenever life throws question marks at me.  Why would I lose that job?  Why would I get that job?  Why am I in Winston-Salem?  Why do I have bi-polar?  What does that even mean? 

But… Joseph… so he was a daddy’s boy… if you have a bunch of brothers that resent you for being the favorite, would you think to watch your back?  Well, if you have that many brothers gang up on you, I’m not sure what kind of odds you’d have. 

Still, if my brothers sold me into slavery, I would be like, what the heck?  God, why are you doing this to me? 

So then, Joseph is sold to this Egyptian stud senator, Potiphar, and the household flourishes and is blessed because of Joseph.  You think, things are looking up again for Joseph.  Maybe there was some greater purpose for his being sold into slavery. 

Except Potiphar’s wife tries to seduce him, and what does he get for resisting the temptation?  Thrown into jail. 

Seriously.  I would have been saying that to God.  Seriously?  Prison?  What is going on?  Why me? 

But then, he ends up being put in charge of the prison.  God blesses him again. 

Then he does a little dream interpretation for a few of Pharaoh’s servants.  And his interpretations come true.  The servant that is restored to Pharaoh’s service then forgets about Joseph’s help. 

Seriously?!  I thought this was it, and I’d be getting out of jail!  But no, stuck in jail even longer. 

Until Pharaoh needs help with his own crazy dreams.  That’s when the servant says Oh yeah there’s this Joseph fellow in jail who interpreted my dream and it came true, maybe he can help you out. 

I would be a little freaked out if I was in jail and the president sent for me and said, I’ve had this troubling dream and I’ve heard you can tell me what it means.  YOIKS! 

Thankfully, God was with Joseph, helped him interpret the dream.  Actually Joseph straight up tells Pharaoh that God will interpret the dream. So, he does, through Joseph, and then Pharaoh makes Joseph second in command.  CRAZY. 

But, Joseph is able to wisely store the abundant harvests of Egypt and then provide food during the famine of the land.  And he saves many lives.  And his family does end up bowing down to him. 

Joseph tells his brothers what they intended for harm, God intended for good. 

We don’t get a description of the inner battles of Joseph, only that he continued to have faith in God regardless of his circumstances.  I hope to learn that he struggled with his faith at times, too… to give me hope that God can indeed grow my faith in Him in all circumstances.  God has a plan and a purpose for everything. 

 

Indicators of a Worship Problem

I love reading.  I have more books than I’m really able to read.  Owning a Kindle has not helped in this.  It is just so easy to look up a book, click a button, and BAM you own a new book! 

I’ve even found a website to get cheap and free Christian books.  I check it everyday, almost religiously – HA. 

Well… today has been a squeamish day… I’ve read two chapters that have highlighted some worship problems I have… my idolatry of money. 

I’m reading Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman, and I’ve enjoyed the book so far.  Thankfully I’ve been able to identify myself as a follower of Jesus, not a fan.  But today, the first question Kyle asked to probe the depth of my identity with Jesus was, “For What do You Sacrifice Your Money?”  I knew I was in trouble.

“How you spend your money tells a story about what matters the most to you.” 

Ouch.  I have a tumultuous relationship with money.  Right now I am a slave to my credit card debt.  It’s interesting, when my mom tries to make me feel guilty about spending money I don’t have, I blow her off and justify my spending.  I’ll pay everything back once I have a job, even if it takes a long time.  I’ve been in debt before, and I’ve gotten out of debt.  I’ve given a lot of money away in the past, to the church, to a child with Compassion International, to Opportunity International, to support friends on staff with CCC.  Maybe over my lifetime my bank account will not look as bad. 

Or maybe it will show the seasons most fruitful for me spiritually and how that did or did not correlate with my bank account and where and when I gave my money. 

A guilt trip I can blow off, but a worship problem forces me to look at the heart of the matter. 

When I spend money I do not have on a dinner out with friends, or a new book or CD… a new iPod… whatever it is, I’m actually saying, God I don’t trust You to provide what I need, so I’m going to buy what I think I need and become a slave to it.  Because really, that has put me further in debt, which is definitely a form of slavery.  Am I willing to admit that my heart is actually saying I do not trust God to provide what I need? 

Then, as if that was not enough for my heart to ponder, I read a chapter out of GOSPEL by J.D. Greear, about this line of the gospel prayer he presents in his book.

“Your presence and approval are all I need for everlasting joy.” 

Really? 

I should be preaching this to myself all the time. 

Do I desire God, or God’s blessings?  Because what I would say and what my bank statements would say are definitely two different stories. 

I’ve been through many different seasons financially in my whole lifespan of 31 years, and at least I am no longer suicidal over figuring out how to pay off debt.  However, I’m grown too accustomed to apathy towards debt.  And, the Lord is trying to tell me something, that apathy towards money is NOT AN OPTION. 

“No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”  Matthew 6:24

This is also a reason we need to have close community, so other people around us can say, “Stacy, you do not have a job, why are you spending money on _______?  Do you have a worship problem?  Are you finding your satisfaction in things more than God?  Are you trusting Him to provide all you need?” 

I’ll leave musings on community for many other posts.  But, if you are misspending your money, you can hide your statements from other people, but you cannot hide them from God. 

Wrestling for God's Blessing

So, last night I began to sort through all of my journals that go back to my freshman year of high school through 2007.  Actually, now I’m wondering where are my other journals, from 2007 till 2013?  Really, the focus of the project was to sort and label the journals according to the dates I wrote in them.  Some journals only had a few entries, while others were completely filled.  Some journals didn’t have lines and I wrote in more creative patterns.  All of them fluctuated between journal entries and prayers to God. 

Anyhow, the very first journal I found, I skimmed through.  This one was not very used.  I guess that journal writing was not a priority of mine then, but I wish I had written more to look back on.  Still, I had a few entries, one about the incident where I cut my finger with a electric hedgeclipper.  One about my excitement about going to camp.  But, I had one memory from camp that really caught my eye and my mind.

When I was alone, I saw this puddle where drops were coming down. And I thought about my life, how I was a small puddle and the water already there was my relationship with Jesus, and how he kept adding a little more knowledge and depth in our relationship one day at a time, because I couldn’t handle it all at once. 

I think it is still a good metaphor for my relationship with God.  It kindof reminds me of the story in Genesis when Jacob wrestles a man all night long who he recognizes as God.  If God was really wrestling with a man, you know he was holding back.  His holiness alone would smite out the life of a sinner.  His strength, yeah, He would be way stronger than a person.  But He holds back in this wrestling match, and even as he touches Jacob’s hip and knocks it out of socket, He allows Jacob to hold on until he receives His blessing. 

I listened to J.D. Greear preach about this about a month ago.  He was leading his church in developing the kind of prayer life he would love to see with member’s lives being totally changed.  It was a really great sermon, Wrestling All Night, and I’d encourage anyone to listen to it.  http://www.summitrdu.com/messages/

In my metaphor, I play a more passive role, with God alone revealing Himself.  However, Jacob is not willing to settle for a mere drop of God’s presence, He wrestles all night for God’s blessing.  J.D. asked, how many blessings does God have in store for us because we do not ask, we do not press through?

I tend to get discouraged easily about life’s circumstances, and then I lose heart when it comes to praying about them.  And, then God convicts me of my little faith. 

I don’t know about you, but I am more hungry and more desperate to experience God’s presence and blessing in my life so that people cannot help but see the Gospel guiding my being.  I don’t want to be stuck with discouragement and depression and despair.  I want a faith that is so deep that it brings me joy in even the worst circumstances life brings. 

I’ll leave you with a note from Lecrae. This song really hits home.

Now Your presence is my treasure, never ending peace.
And they can't keep me from Your love cause it'll never cease. (Naw!)
So I pray You keep me, cause I can't keep myself (No!)
Protect me from my sin. I know I'm bad for my health.
And I'm dieing to know You. Wake me up and let me read.
Treat Your words so if they cut me this is what I bleed.
Give me a double feature.
Give me a triple portion.
I'm coming back for seconds, thirds, fourth, more, more, more!

Your goodness. Your mercy. (More!)
I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. (More!)
Your love and Your grace. (More!)
I just need a taste. (More!)
Your peace and Your passion. (More!)
Your joy and compassion. (More!)
You got it I need it. (More!)
I just gotta have it. (More!)

Yeah I need more. (More!)
Yeah I need more. (More!)
Yeah I need more. (More!)
Lord give me more (More!)
Yeah I need more. (More!)
Yeah I need more. (More!)
Yeah I need more. (More!)
Lord give me more.

If I don't know it. Teach me please though I'm undeserving.
Don't let me loose sight of my Savior, cause my Savior's worthy. (Jesus!)
Apart from Him I'm zip, zero, ziltch, nada, nothing.
No point in acting like I'm somebody to prove somethin'.
Open my understanding when I read the Scriptures.
It's still Your word inside a darkened wretched lowly sinner.
Make me acquainted with Your covenants and perfect plans.
Humble me by showing me the world's in Your hands.
Lead me in the truth. (Truth!)
Wisdom. Revelation.
Apply Your blood to my dirty soul for salvation.
And help me believe.
Lord, Lead me to faith.
Just teach me Your ways.
I'm in need of Your grace.
Purify my heart.
Fill me with Your Spirit.
Occupy me with Your presence.
Keep Your servant near.
Give me faith to behold.
Write Your name on my soul.
Make me whole for Your glory
and Your name to be known. (More, More, More)

More, Rehab :The Overdose 2011

Reachrecords.com

Keep wrestling for God’s Blessing. 

Rainbow Sandals and the Grace of God

I have a picture, well a handful of pictures, of my pair of rainbows that I finally managed to let go of a few weeks ago.  I got the sandals back in 2005, and they served me very well.  Unfortunately, during my first manic episode used the sandals as shower shoes and probably wore them out, and that was the summer of 2009.  I hung onto them and wore them a few more years, but when I pulled them out of storage it was beyond obvious that I needed to let them go.  Warped cracked, and just looked like no one in their right mind would put them on.  I think that’s kindof the ironic point though, that I wore them the way that no one in their right mind would.  I dug them deep into the ground, probably as rough on them as rough as I’d treat a pair of sturdy boots.  But it’s really the mental state I was in that is the interesting part of this story. 

So… the week before I went into the hospital I had some very interesting revelations, and to say that I was having religious delusions is an understatement.  I was reading religion into EVERYTHING… and I’ll write more about that soon enough.  But, the Friday that I ended up going to the hospital was a bit of that hyped up thinking, and really I’m not too sure where it all came from.  But it was pouring down rain that day, I mean pouring down rain, and I laughed that my rainbows were saving me from the flood. 

Well, that’s not the exact order of events accounted for in Genesis, but at least some of you are familiar with the story of Noah’s ark.  God calls Noah to build an ark before he executes justice on the earth by destroying every living thing, Noah listens to and obeys God, his family builds the ark, they gather animals two by two into the ark, God seals the door and the raining began.  And it rained, and it rained, and it rained, for 40 days, destroying every living thing.  I don’t know what that experience was like for Noah’s family, but it seems like it would have been really disturbing. 

Well, after the 40 days of nonstop flooding, the weather mellowed out, and the seas began to lower, until eventually it was safe for Noah’s family to venture onto dry land.  Noah makes an alter to God out of his gratitude of being saved by God’s judgment, and God makes a promise to never destroy the earth again with a flood, and the sign of this promise was what we call today the rainbow. 

Now, I was never in an actual flood per say, but every detail in my mind was conjuring up some kindof religious metaphor, even if I didn’t really get it.  But, I do know this, that every time I took a shower in the hospital, I literally flooded the entire bathroom and half of the bedroom.  The nurses would get so frustrated because of me.  But if the judgment of being in the hospital was partly to wash away my doubts and fears of God’s intervention in my life, the rainbows were just another symbol of God’s faithfulness and love and salvation.  While drowning in my sins, Christ came to earth, lived perfectly on my behalf, was destroyed in the flood of God’s judgment in my place, was resurrected to give me the victory not just to not drown but to dance on the water with him. 

All that from a pair of Rainbows.  Go figure!

How can we influence celebrity with the Gospel? Take One

So, I’ve made this decision to start praying for celebrities in our culture.  I mean, the thing is, most of us value celebrities more than our local government officials… seriously, I don’t know who the mayor of Winston-Salem is, I sure don’t know who the mayor of Clemmons is… there was one hot minute where I would have known a local politician because I knew him from church, but he decided not to run.  So, I am admitting I know nothing about the people who make decisions that probably directly affect me… but I watch TV and know the news from Brian Williams, and then whatever Dateline and ET report on… which seriously those shows really do have almost the exact same stories… the thing is, most people… well, maybe they don’t care about local politics, and lots of people don’t care about politics at all, but entertainment, THAT is big, THAT is influence, THAT is power.  At least, it has potential to be power.  The money it rakes in.  I don’t know that there is a way to change this set up, with entertainment as King.  Haha, what was it that Jafar said in Aladdin, Whoever has the gold Makes the rules?  It’s true.  Or it can seem true.  Give me time to really reflect on this, but the point isn’t so much to point out that celebrity and entertainment are the gods of the USA, it’s to say, WOW, these people are in such a position of influence and have so many temptations at their fingertips… would it not be AWESOME to hear some of them actually preach the Gospel as part of their identity and what makes them tick?  I mean, for real… it would be really cool.  I guess I would also judge that celebrity based on the message of the media… for example, I probably would not give the cast of Dexter great reviews.  (I’ve never seen the show and never will.)  It might be a show with truly talented actors that raises disturbing but intriguing questions about justice… but a show that elevates a serial killer to a hero is just never going to be something I would support.  But… okay, I really enjoy Once Upon a Time, as my latest post reveals, so there are some really great shows and movies and musicals and wow, the entire entertainment culture, of course there are some really great shows, and the actors could use our prayers.  Now, I will say this, I saw one episode of the 666 show, which was creepy, and so I prayed against the show, and every time I saw a commercial I was like, God, please do not let this show go on.  It’s glorifying evil and satan like he’s some pawn we manipulate, but he’s a roaring lion waiting to destroy our souls… PLEASE get this show off the air.  And, I guess not enough people watched it, because it did not get  another season out there.  Well, there’s plenty of other dark shows out there, that mostly I ignore because I don’t want to know all the crap out there… wow this post is really all over the place, not very well thought out, but it’s just a starting point for me, I’ll elaborate on it all eventually.  Enough for now.  Goodnight!

Once Upon A Time and the Real Savior

There’s a huge revelation the show Once Upon a Time is coming to, that Henry the son of the savior and grandson of Snow White is on the verge of discovering.  And if that discovery comes to pass, the need for a greater Savior will become even more evident in the plotline of this wonderful series. 

In our often oversimplified fairy tales we tend to classify characters as good or evil.  And the characters single choice can direct every other following choice in a trajectory of what is right and good and true or what is manipulative and lustful for revenge and power.  But as we all know, sometimes the right choice is just not clear.  In this series, it seems that the best intentions of the good characters is continuously thwarted by the bad.  So many times Snow White, or Mary Margaret in our world, has extended the gracious offer of diplomacy with Regina, the evil queen or manipulative mayor.  But each episode displays a complicated backstory to their relationships in the fairytale world. 

Henry, in his naiveté, sees the power and negative effects magic has upon all the adults around him.  He still thinks of each person within the box of goodness or evil, and blames magic for the constant fighting and power play between these people he loves, that are all related to him somehow.  He doesn’t understand that the problem is within the hearts of those he loves.  The adults in the room do not rush to explain the truth to Henry, even though he can sense the lies they try to comfort him with.  Maybe if they did have a heart to heart, it would go something like this. 

Henry, magic is not the problem of our town.  Magic is amoral, neither good nor bad.  All magic has a price, so be careful how you use it. 

You see, magic might be seen as a gun.  A gun is merely a gun until it is held by a person.  The gun then becomes a weapon or a tool, depending on who is holding it. 

Likewise, magic can be used for both good and evil. 

The real issue is, ALL of our hearts are evil. 

The Bible teaches us that all of us are evil, and that it is God’s grace that allows any mercy, grace, and love possible in our lives. 

We all struggle internally with temptations every day.  They may not be as big as stealing a magic dagger to control a demonic lord to kill all your enemies.  But the temptations are there. 

You have seen all of us give into the temptation to lie, convincing ourselves that lies are acceptable if they are to protect the person we love.  But lies are never truly justifiable.  They just seem easier than explaining the truth. 

Henry, Mary Margaret may make the right decision most of the time, but she is not perfect.  The dark stain now growing in her heart will destroy her without a serious intervention of something or someone that can save her.  She will wallow in guilt and darkness and perpetual self destruction, or maybe will lash out in violence towards people around her.  She needs someone greater than herself to rescue her, someone who can rescue her from the inside out.  Emma may have saved Storybrook from the curse, but even she cannot save her mother’s heart. 

But Henry, there is great news!  Even though there is darkness in all of our hearts, even though we scheme and manipulate and lie to keep control, even though the very purest of us all is just as corrupt on the inside, there is a real Savior, a TRUE Savior, and He made the ultimate sacrifice for our sins some 2000 years ago.  He alone can cleanse us within, can take our hearts of stone and turn them to hearts of flesh.  He took our sin and filth and unrighteousness and offered us His righteousness, His purity, His cleanness, His life.  If we cling to Him, even the deepest darkest stain of evil is cleansed and made righteous and pure by his blood.  The salvation he offers is free to us, but it cost His life to make it possible.  He is the Only Truly Pure Good Person who ever lived.  He is Perfect!  In fact, He lived a perfect life that is credited to us by faith in him!  Because He took the punishment for all of our evil and sin, everything wrong and scary and bad, he bore upon the cross for us.  He takes our punishment and pain and sin and gives us life and love and righteousness.  And He alone has the power to do that, the power to grant this salvation, because He alone was resurrected from the dead.  If he can raise the dead, there is nothing he cannot do.  This Henry, is our REAL savior.  Cling to Him, only He can never let you down.  Many people love you as much as they can, but only Christ can love you perfectly.  Please come to Him.